Do Women Undermine Each Other?

I have been an ardent feminist since I first read Simone DeBeauvoir’s, “The Second Sex” around 1966. So, it took me many years of being a low-level lackey in the capitalist pecking order to come to the contradictory realization that male bosses tend to be easier to work under than female ones.

This makes sense only in the illogical world of exploitation. Yes, it is a hoop we have all grown accustomed to jumping through and by hoop I mean Heritage of Oppression. As Bob Marley sang: “they take the chains off your body and put the chains on your mind,”Clearly once our minds are conquered, the rulers no longer need actual chains.

Women as bosses are usually harder to work for, especially for other women. They tend feel less secure in positions of power to begin with, so, when they get there, they exert more of a need to prove themselves. Being hard-nosed and to-the-letter strict is a natural outgrowth of this attitude.

I have experienced this with women physicians who have been to say, modifying a prescription slightly to make it more affordable and cost effective, while the male doctors I have gone to don’t even blink at suggestions like this. Of course, men are subjected to a lot less personal scrutiny and are inclined to possess a indefatigable sense of entitlement.

As women we have survived by learning to read the small print of other people’s psychology. Because marriage was the goal for our gender for so many years, we learned, Darwin style, to master the art of passive-aggressive manipulation. While your average heterosexual man, may be a bit thick and a bit of a buffoon, there is a what you see is what you get quality to him that allows, for example, male lawyers to vehemently argue two opposing sides of a legal case in a courtroom and then go to the gym and play racket ball together as though it were the most natural thing in the world. For women with conflicting views, it is more likely that they would dismiss each other coolly when passing in the hall, than to even consider going out for a drink together.

The other huge problem is that everyone is raised to think less of women so both women and men prefer men. Just as every person is socialized to prefer straight folks, and all races conditioned to prefer white people, women consciously or unconsciously assign more status, more credibility to men even when they don’t particularly like them. Female bosses are inclined to be harder on women employees, often subjecting them to a different standard or infantilizing them with micromanagement pettiness that they are embarrassed to apply to males

Sometimes simply the potential friendship model just gets in the way. When I worked at the library, I had a boss who was a part of several communities of which I was also a member. We had been equals in the lesbian community but when she was appointed to head the Gay and Lesbian center at the library, all traces of our human connection vanished.

Of course my boss had to prove herself. And when it comes to love, war or livelihood, fear is firmly in place. Yes, we have to humanize the way we live and it must begin in the family and move to the workplace, an environment in which we spend so many hours of our lives. 

We are not all that far from the world of the 1950s in which I was raised. It was a place where women were sexualized and our opportunities for employment were severely circumscribed. The legacy of our history persists in spite of our best efforts to change it.

Falling Short in the "Meritocracy"

Which Way Forward?

One of the major myths we grow up with here in the USA is that we live in a meritocracy where brains and hard work are rewarded. The theory is that Americans comprise a homogenized mixture with equal parts this and that and the cream will naturally rise to the top. In other words, George W. Bush earned his spot at Harvard and Chelsea Clinton was the most qualified applicant for her plum position at NBC.

The lie of meritocracy harms people by:
1. Obliterating the reality of socioeconomic class and all other forms of prejudice and discimination.
2. Making tons of folks feel inadequate for their lack of accomplishment.
3. Falsely reassuring the achievers that they are the most intelligent and deserving members of society.

In the capitalist workplace the truth is far more complex. Brains and innate ability comprise part of the story but, in our society, even very smart folks may end up in jail or on the street. The largest component of the ability to function under capitalism is socialization. By that I mean having parents or care-givers who were willing and able to model appropriate behavior. The universal assumption in our culture is that everyone is raised with this kind of exemplary parenting.

Many children, whether from wealth or poverty, are raised with the relatively basic guidelines where good behavior is rewarded and bad behavior punished. But some children, especially if parents are substance abusers or if child rearing is not a priority in their lives, acquire no reliable index of propriety. In these homes whatever action a child initiates will either be followed by a random, totally unpredictable reaction or no reaction at all. There can be know learning of values and norms under these circumstances.

My sister and I were raised in such a home. Being five years her senior, I had the honorary position of her mother in our family. We were pretty much ignored. Our friends envied our lack of supervision as well as the prodigious amount of alcoholic beverages available in our residence. There was usually quite a bit of food in the refrigerator and if we wanted to eat a whole package of Sara Lee brownies washed down with Coca Cola for dinner, that was always an option.

My mother couldn't deal with my curly-kinky hair so she only washed it about once a month. Both my sister and I had the experience of showing up at school without skirts at different times in our early lives. Luckily, we had the wherewithal  to put on tights over our legs.

On the positive side, we became quite adept at navigating through the world because this skill was engendered by necessity at an early age. But later, in the strictly choreographed world of the capitalist workplace, the children of neglect tend to fall down. Since the cultural norms that have been passed to them have come only from superficial observation, not gut-level understanding, the workplace is fraught with hazards. Hierarchy and pecking order are antithetical to those raised without them and, no matter how old I grow to be, I still believe that these are inhuman constructs to begin with.

My dream, as I approach retirement age, is that one day we will create a society big enough to encompass all our differences; our failings as well as accomplishments and hold them, without judgement, as nothing more than what they are: survival strategies. The next step would be to build a culture, expansive and compassionate enough to accept each individual's contribution, their gifts as well as their limitations, with the equanimity of a sane and just society.