Lesbians, Women and Equality

As the endless struggle for equal pay has illustrated, women we have a long journey ahead of us before we can see any semblance of equality. After much struggle, women are now citizens of the USA who can vote and try for almost any job as long as it is not too high profile like being president or hosting a late night talk show. But we are still limited by sexism which defines us by gender, appearance, social agility and acceptability to those males in power.  

Just yesterday I was searching the database NewPages for anthology and literary journal submission venues.The first “feminist” one I found had just run a special issue that contained the voices of male writers expounding on the subject of women. The second one was soliciting for an upcoming issue on women’s relationships to “the men in our lives.” Seriously?

Let me make this clear: women are not to blame for sexism. Having said that, it is also imperative that we stop being collaborators! As Judy Grahn said in her poem, A Woman is Talking to Death, “We do each other in, that’s a fact!” Lesbians can be guilty of this just like our bib-dyke sisters, but since we have so much less power in society it hardly matters.

And there is the crux of the problem. When it comes to the big picture, our existence, our struggles are most often not even footnotes. The female equivalent of the male gay civil rights spokesperson doesn’t really exist. Harvey Milk, Tennessee Williams, Bayard Rustin, James Baldwin, Tony Kushner, all these are names that come to mind historically when thinking about notable LGBTs. I know that Audre Lorde, Gertrude Stein and Adrienne Rich are notable lesbians, but as far as name recognition they are undoubtedly second tier.

The “problem” of the unapologetic lesbian is being dealt with inside the LGBT community where the word “queer” is now touted as a substitute for “lesbian” because it is more “inclusive.” I’m all for inclusion, but I also have to post the question, what exactly is being lost?

As that old movie “Tootsie” posited and the transgender MTF movement seems to express: men believe that they are better at absolutely everything and that includes being women! The truth is that yes, a less oppressed person has more distance from an issue and that makes both your self-image and everything you undertake, less fraught and therefore a bit easier.  

And, for many of us bio-broads, “being a woman” is not a set of feelings or behaviors. It is just a genetic fact, an anatomical category!

I respect transgender women. But they are raised with the privilege of growing up and being treated as males. Due to class issues, I am used to working alongside people of greater privilege. I don’t hate them. I just think that we all must acknowledge these differences and, as class warriors, fight the tendency to relinquish our power to those with greater access to theirs.

Women have come a great distance since acquiring the vote in 1920. Lesbians have made huge strides since Stonewall. But genuine equality is still a distant dream and ignoring this fact will not make it go away.

Invisibility and Lesbian Experience

The Invisible Lesbian

I read an interesting article in the NYTimes Magazine a couple of weeks ago. It concerned the ways that women are actively discouraged from pursuing careers in Science, Technology, Engineering and Mathematics, what they called the STEM subject group. Unfortunately, a large portion of the article focused on how majoring in STEM  fields frightened off potential male suitors. But one sentence in the article indicated that there was a different point of view expressed by a minority of the interview subjects. The sentence is framed in parentheses and reads as follows: "The lesbian scientists with whom I spoke, at the tea and elsewhere, reported differing reactions to the gender dynamic of the classroom and the lab, but voiced many of the same concerns as the straight women."

Huh? What does this mean? How many lesbian scientists were questioned? How does their experience differ? I was left with these unanswered questions as this sentence contained the only reference to lesbians in the entire piece. Clearly the writers and editors were only concerned with the experiences of genuine women, i.e.: the heterosexual variety.

Recently a poem of mine was included in an anthology about women's experience in the sixties and seventies. My entry was openly queer and dealt with unrequited lesbian love. Reading through the numerous poetry and stories included in the book, I have found only one other out lesbian. 

This is what it means to be part of a minority culture. Your experience is tokenized or erased, your pespective deleted. In capitalist publishing this is just mainstream vs niche market politics. But genuinely good writing should transcend these categories. It seems obvious that inclusion of ethnic and gender minority voices would only improve both the sales and credibility of an article, journal, film or anthology.
   
But now, at least, they are giving us a little nod. That means we have successfully been a thorn in their side long enough to make them aware of our existence. There is a small hole in the fence that has segregated our experience from that of real women. To make that opening larger, we must all pour through it en masse. Lesbian history is women's history and we are the only ones who can write it. Our experience is an indespensible and necessary component of the liberation of all women, and yes, all people.

Newsflash! Lesbians are Women

In this day and age the title of this post seems ridiculous to have to justify. Of course lesbians are women. You would think this bit of information is quite obvious but, reading the articles about women and their/our issues, this point gets lost. It would be impossible to itemize the deluge of writing about "women's issues," that pours out from keyboard across the country, which excludes queer women, placing us outside their purview.

As a current example, examine the sections of that ever-popular leftist online news source, The Huffington Post which, quite recently, added the section, "Gay Voices." They had a "Women" category but everybody knows that "women's issues" involve men: dating them, marrying them, making babies with them, looking attractive for them, conversing with them, you get my drift. Articles about females very rarely include any references to those of that gender who are queer. In "Gay Voices" finally we see some articles about lesbians specifically. We take it for granted that those could never be applicable to any kind of universal human condition. After all what could we possibly extrapolate from a bunch of queers about life in the USA?

Alternet approaches the situation a bit differently. Under their Rights category they have separate sections for Civil Liberties and Gender. Queer rights pieces can and do occupy either of these classifications. But when the article is specifically about "women" the issues of lesbians are not dealt with. Smaller online news sites don't have categories at all. But that decision, which, depending on how it's approached, can be viewed either as a glaring absence or a window onto a less discriminatory future, doesn't seem to help much with inclusivity.

The film industry has a similar take. In "Women's Films," that particular genre that feature a group of women, the writers will sometimes install a token dyke, much in the same way they insert a woman of color. But you can be assured that the lesbian's character development and personal issues will get short shrift compared to the other characters in these movies.

What the world has yet to come to terms with is that lesbians are women. Perhaps the fear of the queer that was instilled in my generation will be carried within each member until death. But, on the bright side, there are girls being born every minute. Hopefully they will grow up in a society with fewer limitations on all their decisions including those regarding gender.

In My Mind I'm Shunning Carolina

I hate to admit it but my partner and I just missed having summer vacation plans to visit North Carolina. We had heard from many friends that Asheville is an oasis of progressive thought in a vast desert of a mindless, self-righteous brand of hate-mongering Christianity that scares the crap out of me.

Now, with the overwhelming passage of unnecessary and repetitively anti-gay Amendment 1, North Carolina has proven itself to be a place worth avoiding. Because of it, not only will queers be unable to obtain rights connected with marriage or civil unions, unmarried heterosexuals will likewise face discrimination and the inability to be legally recognized in any way whatsoever. A couple of commie-jew-dykes like us have no business spending our precious money and time in this environment.

The last time the state of North Carolina amended its constitution was to ban interracial marriage! So the precedent is as clear as their desired result. I often wonder what this country would be like if only the South had seceded.

As far as summer vacation goes, Deborah and I will be visiting one of our favorite countries, Mexico. Many expatriate Americans of all stripes reside there. Perhaps the new wave of immigration will be in the opposite direction. Anyway, like so many Jews of our generation who are referred to as paranoid and neurotic, we are always on the lookout for a place to go, just in case of exile. I would term this kind of sensibility practical and realistic rather than cynical and far-fetched!

Heterosexism vs Good Medicine

Apples and Oranges?

We are not all the same. As members of various groups and identities, we are all different. As a child I was culturally confused by this frame of reference. Growing up equal worth was confused with sameness, especially in terms of color and ethnicity. Blacks are the same as whites, Jews are the same as Gentiles. But the existence of divergent cultural norms and styles should not imply better or less than or negate the existence of genuine differences.

I am a writer now so I can't continue believing in didactic shorthand for the sake of simplicity any longer. While I recognize that each individual is as different as one snowflake from the next, there are shared values that groups possess. Women tend to be more emotionally attuned than men. Jews are more often secular and left-leaning due to a history of persecution in Russia and Germany. And LGBT folks of my generation (boomers) created a culture that tended to be progressive and based on the notion of chosen, not biological, "family." Fear of lesbians is still palpable in the fifity, and sixty-something folks of my generation. And, in a very real sense, queer, although equal to is not the same as straight.

In my recent search for medical providers a weird dynamic has emerged. I find that the men who are not assholes seem more capable of caring behavior toward females than heterosexist staight women. I'm not using the word homophobic because these are not women who would deride a lesbian on the street. They are simply women who do not want to be confronted with any indication that they might also harbor to many feelings of tenderness toward women who are not their daughters and that all of our sexualities fall on a continuum rather than into a category.

This situation often leaves me looking for male medical providers rather than deal with a nervous and uncaring stance from a female doctor, nurse, chiropractor or acupuncturist. It's a strange position for a lifelong feminist. Between me and my most recent acupuncturist there was a cultural gap you could drive a truck through. And I liked her. She is a mom who immediately showed me photos of her grown children. A woman who took on her husband's name. It was uncomfortable because the fact that she was totally unfamiliar with lesbian culture meant that there were no easy bridges between us.

Medical providers, even alternative ones are in the position of being required to physically interact with clients. It is imperative that either they are comfortable with touching people of all genders and orientations or they only treat certain groups.

That decision, when it comes to equal rights, opens up an abyss-sized slippery slope.

Dentists and Mormons

"Drill, Baby, Drill!"

I had an abscessed tooth extracted a couple of years ago (it's in the back) and I haven't had an implant put in because my insurance doesn't pay for it and it costs around $5,000 buckolas. My insurance is going to start paying 50% on implants in July so I'm going to spring for it. The dentist who performed the extraction seemed like a nice, easygoing fellow, so I was planning to request him to be my implant surgeon as well. But when I researched his credendentials online and found out he graduated from Brigham Young University.

As a lesbian, I am quite wary of Mormons. I know there are some queer ones and I have nothing against them but their church helped finance the Proposition 8 campaign here in California rescinding our right to marry the person of our choosing. And yes, I don't like fundamentalists of any other religious persuasion either.

I have a gay male friend who assiduously avoids any medical practitioners that are in any way connected to the Mormon persuasion by conducting a self-administered questionnaire before making an appointment. It was too late for that for me, I was not that vigillant. So I had to settle for a little chat with the surgical assistant to the four dentists who work out of that office.

She seemed shocked that I asked her about homophobia at all. I suppose this question has never come up before. This dentist's relationship to Brigham Young was a long time ago, she said and added that she had never to have witnessed anti-gay behaviour coming from that doctor. I explained to her how important it is for non-traditional people to recieve medical or dental care, untainted by personal prejudices.

She either understood what I was saying or wrote me off as a crazy person, but when I called back the other day to make an appointment for an evaluation, I was only offered appointments with the other three doctors. The Mormon had been taken off the list.

Perhaps they were placating me, or maybe I dodged a bullet. The last homophobic practitioner I went to was a male gynecologist who performed a sugical procedure called an endometrial ablation. It wasn't a pleasant experience physically or emotionally. I knew the next time I found myself seeking medical care I didn't want it to be a date with destiny or Josef Mengele!

Fear of a Queer Cousin

As the world continues to fall apart, I have taken a quick breather, a stint, with my partner showing the San Francisco Bay Area her cousin,  my cousin-in-law, Cindy. Now before I lay out the problem, I must say that Cindy is a sweet, open-hearted person. She just happens to share some of the same old prejudices of the rest of society. Coming from a university town in New England gives her a lot of experience dealing with queer folks, especially lesbians of every stripe. In spite of her immersion, she worries about issues like her hair length, afraid she might be mistaken for a disciple from our side.

We all attended a party for an LGBT organization in which I volunteer. No problem, Cindy was eager to go. At the gathering she socialized quite a bit. When she held forth in small groups she was certain to mention an ex-boyfriend within the first 60 seconds of the conversation. Many heterosexuals feel a need to do this. I start my watch when speaking to married women. Almost unfailingly within two minutes, hubby has reared his slightly balding head. It's a strange phenomenon, perhaps intricately linked to the hyper-sexualization of the queer, or maybe just plain out-and-out fear of being subjected to the kinds of prejudice and discrimination to which we have become accustomed. In this specific circumstance I  think that Cindy was a bit concerned that someone would come on to her. As a long-time dyke this fear both annoys and amazes me. I want to shake the folks who display it and ask,"Do you know how hard it is to actually pick up another woman?" The push-me, pull-you dance of lesbian dating is a courtship more nuanced and stylized than the mating dance of the flamingo.

Life for queers is definitely improving, although sometimes it feels like two steps forward, one step back. In my early days of political activity, when a heterosexual person dared to defend the rights of a non-heterosexual one, he or she would invariably begin the sentence with the phrase, I'm straight but...

I would have liked to respond, " I don't give a flying crap about your straight butt," there is a greater moral imperative here!

The Hypersexualized Queer Mystique

Full disclosure, I am not a young person. And I have been openly queer for a very long time. I'm one of those genetic dykes, the doctor pulled me out, kicking and screaming (I must have had a sixth sense about this whole setup) and then said, Congratulations, it's a lesbian! The queer part of life did get better after I completed adolescence, which is a hell of an internship, and got past movies like The Killing of Sister George and The Children's Hour I was annealed in the flames of identity, so to speak.

Lately I've been thinking a lot about the workplace and being gay there. Mine is in San Francisco so you'd think that all these issues would be a thing of the past and, on the surface, that's true. But work is a place where we are required to deal with people who might not interract with us at all in the real world. In that environment, all kinds of negative assumptions are alive and well. The one that has come up for me, of late, has to do with the hypersexualization of lesbians in the eyes of the straight world, in my case, straight women. I know that in the seventies it seemed as though every straight woman thought that every dyke (and every striaight man as well) wanted to jump her bones. In my real life, I have many straight friends both male and female. They are unabashed progressive types who have opened up their lives to include all genders and orientations. And many have come a long way in queer conciousness since I first met them.

I have always found the entire process of making friends at work daunting to say the least. When you are economically dependent on your job, it can be a path laden with danger. Although I get along well with everyone, the people that I actually talk about my life with tend to be queers. Not that I get along swimmingly with all the other queers but at least there is no "fear factor." This hypersexualization phenomenon is truly amazing. About five years ago I tried to be friends with a straight woman from the Phillippines, married with kids and grandkids who was a world traveler with an interesting history of working in the Peace Corps. We schmoozed a lot in our cubicles so one day I asked her if she wanted to go to lunch. After hemming and hawing a bit she said, I don't think so. You know I'm quite happy with my husband. Wow! I guess that she envisioned one hell of a lunch. Silly me, I was just thinking about a salad.

After that disheartening experience I gave up on befriending straight women at work until recently when I  connected politically with a union activist. Last year our workplace was a very stressful one, filled with pay cuts and layoffs. I liked her politcal perspective and her sense of humor. Here, I must add that I've been with my present partner for 12 years and am not looking for another sexual involvement. Both my girlfriend and I are monogamous sexually but neither of us are monogamous emotionally, meaning we both actively befriend other people. Also, I have to admit I'm not good at small talk and being of jewish descent, Im a bit of a terminal neurotic.So maybe I was inappropriate and too forward with self-revelation because I was having a meltdown due to my incredible, shrinking paycheck. But I felt that it was mutual and I certainly never proposed anything untoward or made any kind of advances at all. In fact I remember a conversation where I admitted that my libido was disappearing as I got older. But I was beginning to notice avoidance behaviors from her, which are really destructive in a workplace. Then I heard from a gay male friend that she though I'd been coming on to her!

Now, I avoid her completely which is sad but much safer for my career. I thought she was a lefty, but I guess the political isn't always personal on some level. 

I find this whole episode tremendously depressing. It reminds me of the way the critics of the Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy worried about gay males distracting straight comrades with aggresive sexuality while dodging bombs and bullets. Has all salaciousness been relegated to us queer folks? Do other people who've had these experiences have any suggestions? Maybe only time will shift this kind of prejudice.