Queer/Straight Friendship: Overcoming Barriers

Friendship Involves Risk

I am active in the progressive, the lesbian, and the more generally LGBT communities, so I've spent a good deal of time pondering the risks and rewards of moving in the larger sphere versus those of staying within my own group.

Growing up in an almost exclusively Jewish environment, I was continually warned of the dangers of the outside world, yet I consciously chose to leave its security and insularity to take my chances with the outside world. As a lifelong out lesbian, my choice to reach out to a broader coalition comes from this same motivation.

But being out and actively participating in "straight" groups and organizations does take more effort and a thicker skin than that of just sticking with queer alliances. Coming out becomes a chore that must be done repeatedly and even when its not fraught with danger, it can still be exhausting. We still live in a world where orientation and gender identification are automatically assumed to go just one direction and gender outlaws are still outside the lines

Stereotyping happens automatically and it is negative even when the stereotypical qualities sound positive in and of themselves. Growing up I often heard the sentiment repeated that "Jews are smart." I tried, and sometimes successfully utilized, this stereotype to my advantage. As a lesbian who leans toward, what popular culture terms "mannish," I have also used this image presentation to lure employers to believe that looking more like a male gives me a better grasp of math, science and spacial interpretation. Did this deception help me land my first job as a drafting technician? I'll never really know but.my theory was just like the philosophy of Aikido, which works by turning the force that someone is coming at you against them.

However, this type of manipulation obscures individuals and serves to perpetuate inaccurate categorization. The only thing that call change these misperceptions is an interchange that includes honesty and self disclosure; in other words, friendship. And real friendship involves trust, and trust, persistence and work.
  
By far the most inhibiting factor in queer/straight friendship, after the initial period of breaking down stereotypes, is fear. It can be the fear of sexual attraction or sexual misunderstandings or simply the straight person's fearof being mistakenly perceived as gay. As long as homophobia has the potential to damage lives, it will retain the potential to instill great fear.

Some fears have validity in the world and are grounded in reality. Much the same as with racial identity, there are genuine differences between a person who has had to think of orientation almost continually at all times and in every aspect of their lives and someone who has never had to give it a second thought.

The key to overcoming any kind of prejudice is both risk as well as communication. The process of reaching out is never easy but, no matter what the outcome, it is well worth the trouble. Yes, we must fight for equal civil rights for everyone but we must also learn to personally cross the bridges that divide us. Because, until we make these journeys, there is no hope of building a genuine revolution.

Healthcare and Being Queer

LGBT folks have more health problems as we age and more health problems in general. A dearth of studies have been done on our community but other studies on oppressed minorities have shown that "outsiders" have more mental and physical difficulties. Fear of rejection and lack of understanding and compassion deter LGBT folks from seeking medical care in the first place. Things as simple as the standard questions about birth control methods convey the assumption that everyone shares the same life experience. When you are ill and under a lot of stress, explaining your lifestyle  and worrying about how it will be received is the last thing you feel like doing.

Here are a couple of examples from my own experience. Nearly twenty years ago I was diagnosed with melanoma. At Clark's level four, it was a serious diagnosis where the specter of metastasis meant a life expectancy of about 18 months. I had to go to a lot of different doctors for a myriad of tests. My live-in partner accompanied me. One of the first things that we were asked was "Are you two sisters?" Based on our feelings we answered this question in different ways. Our responses are not important. What is important is that neither of us felt much like entering into a discussion about our orientation. We only wanted to deal with the situation at hand.

Another example came up more recently. I went to a follow-up appointment with my male gastroenterologist. He was a "good-looking." Berkeley guy of East Indian descent, someone who , judging by the publications in the waiting room, prided himself on his sensitivity around issue of race. He told me that in the hospital following the procedure he had explained a lot of things that I had zero memory of, due to the drug I was given. I asked him what happened in our interaction and he laughed and said, "It was really salacious."

I was floored and didn't know how to respond. Of course, in retrospect, I wish I'd said something like, "You mean that drug made me straight for a few minutes?" But unfortunately, I kept my comments to myself and left his office never to return.

The onslaught is perpetual and the real costs of being defined as an outsider are impossible to calculate. It is clear that raising consciousness among folks in the medical profession, studying the diseases of our community and our special needs and risk factors. And of course, making real healthcare available to all should be a top priority in the world we are trying to create to replace this woefully inadequate one.